“The things you own end up owning you. It’s only after you lose everything that you’re free to do anything.”
Yesterday, I had an existential crisis over a soap dispenser.
Yeah..you read that correctly. We were shopping, I had just gotten paid, I had an item I knew I wanted. Every time we went to that store I saw a teal mosaic soap dispenser that I just loved. Somehow, my bathroom has coordinated itself in all teal. This soap dispenser would be a perfect addition. And lucky me, there was a matching toothbrush stand!
As I set the two items into my basket, a wave of concern flooded over me. I was about to purchase the most unnecessary items because they were pretty. In no way did I need either or do I have a ton of money to throw around, it wouldn’t be a smart purchase.
And would I even like them in five years? Is this how I wanted my bathroom to look? When did I get so concerned with matching towels and rugs and finding booshy accessories for the room I bathe in? When did I become that person? Sixteen year old Erin was judging me pretty hard.
The friend I was with had to talk me down from my imaginary ledge. She made me talk out my concerns and I did end up buying them because I had kept going back to them. I had a pretty stressful week so that’s probably where the fuel for this little crisis came from, but I have to admit it was a strange thing to get so worked up about.
It was as if purchasing these items was going to solidify a persona I didn’t want to associate myself with. It brought up all kinds of questions about why I don’t use my money to buy art supplies anymore, why I don’t do much art anymore, what my priorities are, who I am as an adult.
The soap dispenser and toothbrush container have settled into their new home and all I can think about is how much nicer they would look if I painted the walls.. decorating my house has become some sort of strange compulsion. I find terms to validate the behavior like: nesting, building a home, expressing myself. But at the end of the day, it’s all crap that I don’t need. I don’t know if I’m being ridiculous or mature.